Lessons in Sessions

Therapy can also help you identify habits that have been long engraved in your brain as a form of coping. I would like to dedicate this post to my friend Spencer, who serves as a therapist. He and I grabbed coffee a few days ago. When Spencer and I met in college as education majors, we would often joke that our coffee meets or phone calls could “solve world problems.” The picture I've shared features us both as choir directors on the left (2016) and us recently- one still a music teacher, the other using his knowledge from teaching as a tool in his therapist toolkit. I am so proud of him. Now that he has switched career paths, I found that I was constantly picking his brain on my own path to healing- and I hope he at the very least enjoys it slightly, because I love it.

We discussed our trauma responses that have been built over the years, sometimes as a young child. He compared it to our brains saving a file of how to respond so it wouldn’t have to be bothered again with creating another response when we sensed danger. After all, our brain already does so much in one day. This "file" includes a description to recognize similar situations in the future, as well as a response that was helpful during the traumatic situation (shutting down, arguing, distraction, etc.). And so, our responses have been built off of moments you might not even distinctly remember.

These “truth bombs” have changed the trajectory of my life. They’ve made me take leaps in moments where the Old Lena would stay stagnant. They’ve helped me say “no” more often to people or situations that are not in my best interest. They’ve helped me learn to forgive. Most importantly, the coping mechanisms that follow these realizations have assisted me on the days where my backpack seemed too heavy to pick up.

I would like to share a few things I have learned through therapy. Before I begin, I would like to state that I am not a counseling professional. These are simply things I have picked up as a client of someone who has seen more tears from me than the movie Beaches ever will. And that is saying a lot.

Don’t attempt to make the irrational rational.

“You ask a lot of questions. That’s what I enjoy about you,” a date remarked as we went for a walk earlier this year. This person made that comment about me mere weeks into getting to know me…and it is spot on. I’ve always enjoyed things being explained to me, often preferring the power of words over visual demonstrations or even firsthand experiences. There is one thing I have had to come to terms with in the last two years. It is simply explained, but hard to swallow at times: there are things I will never understand. Our lives are puzzle pieces of people, settings, and situations that will not always make sense to us, no matter how much you try. In the time since I started therapy, I was presented with certain people or situations in my life that I could not explain, no matter how much I tried to get to know/love/feel comfortable with said person or place.

At one point, it seemed as though my life was moving in cycles of trying to make sense of a particular situation and then being upset when I could not. Wash, rinse, repeat. In a session, frustrated that the cycle had begun again whilst presenting evidence of everything I “knew” to be true, I was met with a simple point to ponder: you keep trying to make something that is irrational, rational. Why do that to yourself?

Maybe you didn’t get a job and are spending days trying to figure out why someone else got the offer. Perhaps you watch the news and grow more and more overwhelmed with each headline, wondering why people choose to act the way they do. Maybe a date ghosts you. Whatever the circumstance, it’s okay to be disappointed or upset, but trying to rationalize the irrational decisions people make (or a situation you might not have all the information on) isn’t worth it.

What are my options? What is out of my control?

Life constantly presents us with choices. If we were to go through our day and track each time we made a decision, I’m sure many of us would be surprised to find out that, from the most mundane things to life-altering decisions, we’re in a constant state of making them. I tracked my decision making one day this past spring. Dozens of options jumped out at me throughout the day. Do I make coffee at home or run through a drive-thru? Do I reply to this email or wait it out? Do I take on this new responsibility at work or respectfully decline? Do I make an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion or stay on my current care plan? I know, you’re probably wondering about the coffee. That morning, I stopped at Starbucks.

But really- not only are we constantly making choices, we are also consistently presented with options. Through a variety of factors including (not at all limited to) technology, social media, working remotely, and dating apps, we truly are living in a time where one can easily think something else, something better, is waiting- and then take the plunge in a matter of hours…with less parameters than there would have been twenty years ago. Always wanted to work for a company in Nashville, but live on the West Coast? A remote opportunity could mean not moving your entire family and changing your job easily. Through so many choices, I have often found myself one who struggles in making decisions. My friends have a running joke about my ability to do so. “Oh, how many other people did you ask before me?” one quips often.

This is something I have worked through in therapy. Outside of sessions, I have found myself making more decisions than I ever have, without asking anyone for help. Lists have become my friend in making this happen; to really understand all of my choices and then weigh the pros and cons of each side. While it is absolutely valid- and often helpful- to ask others their opinion, there is something incredibly liberating about making decisions for yourself.

Just as making your own decisions is important, so is realizing what is in your control. On particularly rough days, where I felt overwhelmed by the trajectory of that events, sometimes it just felt good to ground myself for a few minutes. Turning off electronics and meditating, I would come back to the current moment, then ask myself “What are my options? What is out of control? Who or what am I neutral with?” In high-stress moments during the pandemic, how someone spoke to me, or distance learning, it honestly made all the difference in how I approached situations.

Moving Forward

As one of my favorite semi-problematic television characters Carrie Bradshaw says, “and just like that…we moved out of the present and into our future.” Whether we attempt to understand ourselves better or not, time is always moving forward. I understand now that I cannot have all the answers. However, I can use the things I’ve learned about myself through therapy to move forward in a way that is in my best interests.

I took this photo last summer. At the time, I was in the process of a breakthrough: I was seeking out things that met my definition of "comfort." Through playing it safe professionally or personally, attempting to be a "fixer," or treating some people the way I always did, I learned I was only comfortable in the sense that I was acting according to the way my brain expected me to. I didn't actually feel fulfilled, just on auto-pilot. In the year since this photo, there have been letters sent and unsent, tears cried, lists created, endorphins released, and about twenty sessions to help me process my feelings and live more authentically- accepting what I deserve, forgoing what I do not, and through it all...giving myself a little grace.

In closing, I posted this with some hesitation, but ultimately to fulfill a promise to myself. There is someone I loved very dearly in this lifetime who struggled with severe depression, and he is no longer on this earth. I miss him constantly, and often wonder about the struggles he never spoke of. Since his passing, it has been my goal to be as transparent about mental health as I can be.

There is hope if you have struggled to find counseling for what you are going through. You can look at online therapy options that do not require insurance. For both in-person and virtual options, Psychology Today has a search feature where you can find therapists by city and with filters that fit your preferences (including budget/insurance). In addition, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Program. Non-profits or universities in your area may have masters-level interns that do not charge for a service or will charge a small fee, and if you're a college student, you may already be covered for services through your university.

I'll leave this post with a quote. Let it serve as a reminder of the backpacks I mentioned at the beginning of this post. You cannot always control how the books got there, but the weight of the books does not always have to be so heavy. "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." -Helen Keller