So...What Did You Get This Year?

Throughout my adult life, it seems like I have lived the holiday season in two ways. There have been times where the happiness of the year's end feels like upbeat music, triumphant sounds blaring. Other years, the joyous melody feels distorted from another room. There have been years where the memories and excitement shine like LED-bright lights, and other years where multiple bulbs have lost their glow.

This year? I celebrate the in-between.

There is so much to be grateful for that happened for me in 2024. Overall, I had a great  year. I traveled to two new places and visited Disneyland for the first time since high school. I saw concerts that weren't my own. I vocal directed three new (to me) musicals. I worked on the negotiations team for our district, and we finally have a tentative agreement. I lost 20 pounds, for a total of 45 pounds since my heaviest weigh in. I met some wonderful new people, maintained relationships, and spent a lot of time with my parents and family.

At the same time, there are things I still mourn, the sadness rising in me after a small moment. For example: hearing Karen Carpenter's Merry Christmas, Darling during holiday shopping. Her timeless alto voice gives me reason to feel a bit sad; it's easy to think of the people that should be here. From there, other thoughts emerge. Associating the winter season with the loss of my brother. The realization that we are all getting older. The scrolling through bright images of trees with big families in matching pajamas on my phone, their smiles as bright as New Years Day confetti. My holiday doesn't always look like that; my year doesn't always procure fancy photos or a studio smile.

You know what? That is okay.

There were recent Decembers that I felt like a sad kid on Christmas, disappointed that the gifts I wanted to find during the year never came. However, it was this year, with the in-betweens, the unexpected, and middle ground, that I had a realization.

Many of the gifts I wanted appeared this year...they just appeared in ways I didn't expect.

Some were wrapped in lessons; others weren't wrapped at all. Some found me on a whim, before I realized they were what I wanted. Sometimes, these presents were exciting, from people I met to laughing sessions until tears streamed down my face. Many times, they were not presents I would pick for myself, like being put in really tough situations to only find out how much strength it took to get to the other side. Frequently, I was given gifts in the mundane, like doctors appointments, daily routines, and new work assignments. And on other occasions, gifts were handed to me with a ribbon of undesirable circumstance, like rejection or letting go of control. These gifts were seemingly provided by a layaway of sorts. We all know that sometimes, a goodbye serves as payment for something better to appear.

Each one changed my life a little bit. Each one had a purpose. 

If I spoke to myself on December 31, 2023 with even an ounce of insight regarding what this year would bring me, I'm not sure I would have faced anything differently. As I look to 2025, I find myself smiling as I think of all the ways everything could resolve.

Those are thoughts for another time. For now, I revel in what this year brought me. As temperatures dip and nights get longer, I am reminded of all the sunlight I experienced this year. There were days I couldn't see it, but it was always there.

By reading this, you were part of it. 🖤