Shadows & Silhouettes

As a child, I was always fascinated by my shadow on the sidewalk on a sunny day. She moved with me. Sometimes, she stood tall. Other days, I would touch my hand to the pavement to try and feel this figure. I wondered what it would be like to have a shadow as a sort of superpower, where I could move in silence all day as things unfolded. My shadow was fun to watch, walk, and imagine alongside.

Recently, with the weather change, I saw my shadow on pavement, the lines creating a shape smaller than my actual self. “Wow, I wish I was that thin,” I recall myself thinking out loud. I reflected on this moment for a few days. I wondered if there were kids that thought like me today, just wanting to disappear into shadow form. With the buzz and whirling the world seems to do at warp speed now, if they even paid attention. I kind of hope they’re too busy, not on behalf of imagination, but self-esteem.

I then thought about my childhood desire to blend in with the shadow, to become it. Had that changed? I was a bit mortified to realize it hadn’t changed, but rather morphed. 

There are people I’ve entertained relationships of any sort with that I feel preferred me as a silhouette. They wanted or approved of certain elements of my personality. In turn, I would bottle up the other characteristics in an attempt to not make them angry. To not make them leave. To blend in the idea of who they thought I was.

I was damn good at it too. But at what price? Why be untrue to myself at the sake of appeasing someone else? Why hold back some of the parts of me that, even though they might not be the most celebrated, make me a whole figure?

After a long winter, the darkness is replaced by bright light, strong enough to show my shadow self. I promise not to want to become the shadow. I promise not to blend in. My days in the sun will be spent embracing every part of me, and walking away from the people and places that would prefer I remain just an outline. I want to experience life in my full form- and surround myself with people who prefer me that way.